BUSTED!

Steve and I have been together for 10 years now - married for 6. He knows me pretty well. He let me know just how well yesterday when he totally called me out on my continued attempts at babymaking on the sly.

I really thought I was doing a pretty good job of concealing things. I always threw away my OPK sticks so he didn't see them (well, almost always). I only temp after he goes to work in the morning and I *really* thought I was doing pretty well at not just initiating sex during ovulation - because that's the biggie for him. He hates that.

I am not as clever as I thought. Yesterday he totally busted me, and there was really nothing I could do but nod my head in humbled agreement. He's right - on all accounts: I only initiate sex during ovulation, I'm only interested in "babymaking sex" (as opposed to other types of fun we might have), having a baby is still priority #1 for me, and because of that our sex life has lost all spontenaity and excitement. :(

I don't know how other people dealing with infertility handle the sex life issues - but for us, it's really been a struggle. Maybe some people don't have the kind of relationship where they discuss such things, but we do, and so it's an issue. I've never had a huge sex drive (well, except for about the first two years we were together), and S always wants it more than I do, and therefore initiates sex far more than I do. I've never been able to force myself to do it, so sometimes he does get turned down. But most of the time, I'm into it once we get started and it's fine. We've gone through phases where we only had sex every couple of weeks, and we've had times where we've enjoyed a much more active sex life. In my opinion, for a couple who's struggled with fertility for the past 2 1/2 years, it's still pretty good. Well, I learned yesterday that dear hubby does not share the same sentiments.

***Warning - TMI ahead***

S basically told me that he feels used. He feels that I am only interested in the fastest way to get his sperm inside of my body and that any other sexual activities we used to do have pretty much gone away. Our current sex life consists of frequent, quickie sex only for the purpose of making a baby. S has always like to do sexual things that do *not* result in a baby (use your imagination here, I'll spare you the details and examples). In fact, baby-making sex -- which for those of you who haven't done this a lot, means man-on-top/ejaculate-inside-my-body kind of sex -- is his least favorite sexual activity. I mean, not that he doesn't Like that, but he likes to do other things as well. Now - there was a time when I really liked to do these other things too. But everything has gotten all skewed and contorted in my brain, and now the only thing I can think about when we're doing "something else" is about all that wasted sperm and the time and energy we're exerting with no shot in hell at making a baby. Pretty dysfunctional, no?

Obviously, this is unhealthy for any marriage. I don't believe S would ever have an affair, but this is sure as hell one of the reasons people do! I've always believed that a healthy sex life was a very important part of our relationship - of any relationship really. I guess I need to acknowledge and take some responsibility for the fact that ours has gotten pretty sucky over the past 2 years. I know marriages go through these phases - and I know we will move past it. But it sure it hard while it's happening.

I will say S was really great during this whole conversation. He loves me a lot, and he could tell that what he was saying was hurtful. He told me that it's not a huge issue for him - but sometimes it just kind of boils over and he would rather talk to me about it than just harbor resentments. He says really all he wants is for me to initiate sex at other times than just ovulation and for us to go back to some of our old ways. That really shouldn't be too hard, right? I should be able to do that. It's not an unreasonable demand.

Thanks for reading an entry that might have given you far more information than you ever needed or wanted to know! It feels good to write it down and acknowledge it.