I have a drawer in my jewelry stand that is devoted to pregnancy tests. It has the 3 tests I took when I conceived Jenna, the 3 tests I took when I got pregnant in 3/06 and subsequently miscarried, and now it has 2 more. Sometimes I would also keep ovulation sticks in there if they were especially pretty, and then I would subsequently discard them once AF showed for that cycle. Over the course of the past 3 days I've peeked inside that drawer to admire my two new additions about 35 different times. Such power in those two little lines.
I've been trying to find the right words to describe how it feels to me to want something so incredibly badly and have it be just out of reach month after month after month. And then, finally, it happens. And sometimes it feels like all of those painful months and years just vanish into thin air - like they never actually happened to me. Or maybe like that happened to someone else. But then again, in the very next second, I remind myself that in a blink of an eye I could be right back where I was just 4 days ago - worrying about menopause. I know I'm not out of the woods and there is still so much that could go wrong. I am trying to be positive and just take it one day at a time, relishing in my boobs that feel like they're going to fall off when Jenna slams her head into them, and that increasing saliva that in about a week is going to make me sick.
In a weird sort of way, sometimes I feel like I've let down my other fellow infertility suffers. Like some sort of martyr club we've been in together, with everyone feeling sorry for themselves and bemoaning everyone else's pregnancies. Over the past several years, I've made several "friends" who have also been desperately trying to have their first or second babies. I know how they must feel to hear my news - the same way I felt when a new pregnancy announcement appeared on the boards or IRL. IT'S NOT FAIR!!! And it's really not. Don't I know it.
Steve reacted about as I expected - cool, calm and collected. I'm not even sure he cracked a smile. Typical for him, though. He doesn't get excited very easily about anything. Also, he tends to be very cautious, so I think he's going to be holding his breath until we get heartbeat confirmation. He doesn't want to tell anyone yet, and I want to scream it from the rooftops!! We'll see how long I can hold out...
Symptoms so far include very sore breasts and nipples (which could be partially due to the progesterone), some mild fatigue and some pulling sensations down below. Also, today I noticed the increased saliva, which is usually the precursor to my all-day pregnancy sickness. I'm guessing by the end of the week the nausea will be here in force.
Repeat beta tomorrow at 8:30am. Let's hope for big numbers in both hcg and progesterone!!!
4 comments:
I bet your beta tomorrow will be fabulous! I'm so glad that that thing you couldn't quite reach is now within your grasp.
My dh is like Steve in that regard, he has never shown all that much emotion...
With your history, I bet you will get a huge beta! I am so happy for you Maren. I know what you mean about feeling guilty a bit, don't. Although it hurts for the good news to be for someone else, I found that I never wanted anyone to suffer like I was suffering.
I got rid of my tests (well actually with my daughter I was not yet a test-a-holic) finally after my son was here. Although I do find the odd pee stick (used) laying around...
I don't feel let down by you at all! I will admit that I feel quite jealous :), but I also feel incredibly inspired! I had been feeling discouraged with the fact that we can't pursue ivf right now, but your bfp reminded me and gave me hope that we don't necessarily *need* ivf. And that it's worth it to keep trying! I am SO excited for you! I am coming back to Kansas in July, and we will have to meet so you can "rub off" some of your good luck on me!
I can't wait to hear about your latest beta. Sending lots of prayers and sticky vibes to you...great symptoms too...hurray!
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