Trying my new outlook on for size

I had a really good therapy appointment yesterday. I've been going now for about 6 weeks, and while sometimes I feel like i don't really need a therapist, I always feel better after I go. And, for a $15 co-pay, it's worth it right now. Even if only for the short term.

We've been talking some about the WHY -- but really, I've never had much interest in understand WHY things happen to me, or WHY I react the way I do. Some people think it's very important to understand the why's -- i.e. what trauma happened in your childhood that is now playing itself out in your current stress. These are the people for whom psychoanalysis is very useful. I'm not one of those people. I'd much rather talk a little bit about my feelings and then move on to developing coping strategies.

That said, I believe I have learned something interesting that does answer the WHY question to an extent. I believe my mother defined her life through being a mother. Good mother = good woman. I must have internalized that to some degree, and now it is playing out in my fertility struggles. Because, in my warped mind, I am not able to be a mother to as many children as I had hoped, I must not be a good woman.

"But you ARE a mother." My therapist is always saying this to me. "Why is it", she asks, "that being a mother to Jenna isn't good enough. Why is it that you feel you are less of a woman because you can't have more than one child? You already have one. You ARE a mother."

A very good question, indeed.

Ironically, if I had ability to have as many children as I wanted, I wouldn't have more than 3-4. I might only have 2. So why is it that one isn't good enough?

Then there's the whole control issue. If there's one thing I've learned over the past 33 months, it is this: Me putting everything else in my life on the backburner to focus on having another baby IS NOT going to make it happen any sooner. I cannot control when it happens. I could do 15 IVF cycles and still not have control. Having control does not equal having another baby. Letting go does NOT mean giving up. It means letting go of the control.

In summary, bad things happen to good people all the time. Everyone in the world, at some point in their lives, is faced with the unexpected. It's normal to be sad, to grieve, to wallow in self-pity for a while....but then LIFE GOES ON. It's time for me to get up, dust myself off and start living life again. A life focused on what I already have, not on what I don't.

So what if I need birth control pills and anti-depressants to help me get started living again? One step at a time...