So, I just started month 2 of my self-induced conctraception. Last month I used Loestrin, which is the same pill I used for 8 years prior to Jenna. I never had any side effects and loved it -- before Jenna. Last month was god awful -- horrible breast pain all month, weight gain (aka STARVING all the time), terrible period, etc. I called my midwife and they told me to try OrthoTriCyclen for this month. I started it on Sunday. It's now Tuesday. I forgot to take it yesterday and already my face is completely broken out.

Am I just looking for excuses not to take the damn things? I know Steve thinks so. I very benignly mentioned that I was going to change pills b/c I was having some not-so-fun side effects and he rolled his eyes and said something to the effect of, "So, how long before you decide just to quit taking them?"

I do find it interesting that pre-Jenna, I never -- not even once -- forgot to take a pill. Post-Jenna, I think I'm batting about 70%. I just cannot seem to remember to take them! Hmmmm.....psychological?

My friend Heidi is having her baby boy tomorrow by repeat C/S. She lives down the street from me and has a little girl Jenna's age. I *need* some newborn baby therapy! I cannot wait to hold him. I took one of my kids from work to the county health department yesterday (for a pregnancy test, of course. Story of my life.) and there were 4-5 brand new babies there with their (mostly) teenage mothers -- I'm guessing for WIC appointments -- and I blatently stared enviously at all of them the entire time I was there.

I noticed something as I sat staring at all those babies. I didn't really feel angry - which is different than I've previously felt when bombarded with babies. Envy, I can deal with. Anger is harder for me. I think I'm making progress is accepting the uncertainty and loss of control of my reproductive life - while at the same time reaching a sort-of peace with yearning for another child. It doesn't have to be one or the other. And just because I'm learning to be ok with it doesn't mean I have to give up on the dream. It just means I'm accepting my role in the process - which unfortunately isn't as powerful and in-control as I would have hoped.

I am often asked if I want, or am planning to have, more children. Usually, I just say "yes" and leave it at that. Sometimes I'll say "I hope so!" or "I've always wanted a big family", but those responses usually require more information and I end up going into more details than I really want to disclose. Occasionally I'll be frank and say that yes, I want more children but have had 2 miscarriages in the last 2 years. That usually shuts people up pretty quick, but leaves me feeling sad. I wish I could figure out a way to answer this question without a) telling people my reproductive life story or b) feeling sad afterward. Because it seems that when you only have one child, people can't help themselves and feel compelled to ask about more kids.

****On another topic****
Steve turns 35 on Friday. I got him a fancy Craftsman toolbox on wheels. He's gonna love it. We're heading to Oklahoma on Thursday for the annual 4th of July gathering of Steve's family. This is always one of my most favorite family events. All of the cousins are there and it's so much fun watching all the kids run around and shoot fireworks.

I hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend!