Giving Words

....to the thought that has been rolling around in my head for the last week or so.

It started like this:

Steve and I were sitting outside on the driveway watching Jenna pretend her wagon was a horse trailer and asking us repeatedly, "Will you play horse trailer with me?" I casually said to Steve something along the lines of "Sometimes I wish Jenna didn't need to play with us so often" - and he responded, "She doesn't need us - she needs a playmate."

For about 5 minutes, I let myself feel indescribable pain about that comment. I let myself feel guilty that I couldn't give her a sibling. I let myself feel angry that she might grow up feeling lonely. I let myself feel incredibly sad that sometimes I don't want to play with my only daughter. I let myself really listen to that aching uterus of mine. And then -- right in the middle of those thoughts -- WHAM.

I had another thought.

What if I don't really want a baby anymore? (I mean, of COURSE I want a baby. I yearn for a baby with every fiber of my womanhood.) But what if more than that, I want another child. Babyhood doesn't last very long. What if I really want a playmate for Jenna? Someone closer to her age than the 5 year age gap that would exist if I got pregnant immediately. What if I'd be fine with not going back to the baby stage again after 4 years? What if I'd be ok with having 3 or 4 year old? What if..........???

This is the first time I've allowed myself to think these words out loud. I haven't talked to DH about it. I haven't really thought it through at all. All I know is for the first time in 3 years, the thought of NOT having another baby and instead, having another CHILD is not immediately bringing me to tears.

How would that work? Would we adopt an older child internationally? Would we foster/adopt through the US foster care system? Obviously, both systems have their challenges. I'm a social worker, so I'm definitely not naive. Here are just a few of my immediate questions and concerns:

How much damage can be done to a child in 2-3 years of orphanage or foster care life? Is said damage reversible? How would we know? What impact would it have on Jenna? Would I spend the rest of my life dealing with childhood trauma stemming from foster care? Do I want to do that? Is it worth it? Can we afford it? Will Steve be remotely interested in doing it?

I know one person who adopted a child at age 3 and I know several social workers who have foster/adopted - and all have shared with me some of their challenges. It's not an easy road.

Is my desire for another child larger than my fear of what might be?