Fall and memories of my mom

I love fall, but I noticed a few years ago that I seem to experience periods of intense sadness right when the weather changes. What is this about??, I asked myself a few years ago. I couldn't figure it out. I have such happy memories of Fall -- high school football games, Rennaisance Festivals, piles of leaves, upcoming holidays, winter clothes shopping, Halloween parties.....wait a minute. Halloween parties. Halloween.... that's it. Of course.

My mom died on October 31, 2002.

The interesting thing about death is that everyone has their own individual reaction. Especially in a family. My own reaction to my mom's illness and death has been very different from that of my sister or my dad. And none of them are right or wrong. I think I cried one time during the whole ordeal, and that was the night she called me on the phone (I was in Kansas, my parents lived in Minnesota) to tell me she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Of course, my lack of crying has no bearing on the impact my mom's death had on me. But for whatever reason, I never show that impact on the outside. It's not conscious, nor can I control it. It just IS. My sister often asked me after my mom's death, and still does to this day, if I think about mom a lot. WHAT?!? That question used to really piss me off. Just because I don't cry about it and talk about it a lot means she's just vanished from my brain? But now I realize that my sister asks mostly to assure herself that her own grief is normal. Everyone's grief is different. And it's all okay.

Anyway, my point is, that I have gone on living my life in much the same way I would have had my mom not died. I think, anyway. I was already married at the time, and Steve and I had just moved into our current house. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mom in some capacity -- sometimes it's just a picture in my head without words, or sometimes I have long conversations with Jenna about Grandma Betsy -- but in general, I seem to deal with my grief in much the same way I deal with life itself: Just Carry On.

This is amazing to me. I can "carry on" in life without my beloved mom?!? If you'd have asked me before my mom got sick what I would do it my mom died, I would have said something along the lines of "I can't even imagine" or "I couldn't live without my mom." Even though we hadn't lived in the same state for 5 years because of college, I talked to her every single day on the phone at least once, and she came down to visit once a month. She was my rock. My reliable ally. She was exactly what a mother should be. Always a willing shopping partner. Always on my side. Always ready to listen to my shit for as long as I needed her to. Always.

It's incredible what we can endure when we have no choice.

My mom has been dead for almost 6 years. 6 YEARS??? Sometimes I feel like it was yesterday that she was getting off the plane at KCI for a visit and we went straight to the mall for a day of shopping. And sometimes I can't remember her face without looking at a picture. I lost the memory of what her voice sounded like about 3 years ago. But then my dad gave me an audio recording that he had saved of her phone answering machine message on her work phone line. That helped a lot.

And then, Jenna was born. Looking at Jenna is like looking at my mom. Blue eyes. Blond hair. Petite features. Amazing.

I'm going to post some pictures - mostly for my own benefit. After my mom died my dad went crazy with archiving all the family photos and putting them all onto CDs for my sister and me. I'm so grateful for this gift!

This is my mom and dad about 2 months after my mom was diagnosed:


I never realized until I looked at this picture of my mom, her mother, and her two brothers just a second ago, that ALL of them have Jenna's blue eyes. Or, I guess I should say, Jenna has all of their blue eyes. My mom was very sick in this picture - probably about 4-5 weeks before she died.


These next two pictures are two of my favorite pictures of the time period when mom was sick (if there is such a thing). There is something so vulnerable and Human about my mom in these two pictures. I think she looks beautiful - despite her invasive cancer and failing body.




And, here is my mom is all her glory before she got sick. This is the mom I remember most!


Thanks for reading :)