Playing with your Only

I've started to write this post about 4 times now, and each time I get up from the computer chair before its complete. My ego won't even allow writing a full post about my half-finished reproductive life.

The only child thing is so hard for me. I've come a long way on my road towards acceptance over the last 4 years, but it still hurts my heart each time I write or say those words. Only Child.

I never knew I was so afraid of only children until I had one. I have layers upon layers of fears that I've already written about here. In addition to fears, I have a few parenting neuroses that I believe to be specifically related to my reality of parenting an only child. Numero uno on that list is the unhealthy amount of guilt I feel every time Jenna asks me to play with her and I say no.

"Mom, will you play with me?"

"Mom, I'm lonely and I don't have anyone to play with?"

"Mom, I really, really want you to play with me!"

How many times do I hear these words every day? 20? 40? It's a lot.

I know all kids do this, and probably most moms feel some guilt when saying no to their kids' requests for parent play. I think parental guilt just comes with the territory, and like many things in life, there is a balance. However, I think it's different for moms of onlies. There is literally no one else for her to play with at home. I'm it. I already feel enough guilt about THAT fact alone, even without the 4 year-old drama show she often puts on when I say no. I feel this crazy obligation to interact with her all the time, like I'm trying to make up for the fact that she has no siblings.

Where does this fear come from? Why do I feel so guilty?

Clearly in our society only children are not the norm, and most people in the US have fairly negative connotations about it. I remember back in my naive, pre-TTC days, when a co-worker had a baby and told me she wasn't going to have any more. I was appalled. I actually said to her "Why would you do that to Jordan? He'll be so lonely!" I believe this to be a fairly common response. Not that people say it to my face, like I so callously and ignorantly did to my friend, but I know people must think it about me. People that don't know my history and just see me and my almost 5-year old daughter at pre-school and at the park must wonder how I could be so selfish as to not provide a sibling for my daughter. What's wrong with her?

(Alright, so I might be a bit paranoid)

So back to the playing with my only child issue. I've surveyed several of my mom friends about the fact that Jenna cannot entertain herself at all, and my guilt about not entertaining her when she asks. All unanimously reported that being unable to entertain oneself is, in addition to being an 'only' trait, also a trait of firstborns. Eldest children all experience some period of time as an only, and therefore internalize that feeling of having their parents attention full-time. Subsequent children never experience this, and therefore do not develop the need for undivided attention. I buy this theory in general, and I think that if I did have more children, Jenna would still require a lot of attention. However, if I had more children, I would not have as much time to dwell on my guilt, nor would I be physically able to entertain her all the time because I would have my hands full just making it through the day.

Which brings me to another point about only children. When you have a supportive and involved spouse, it really doesn't require a whole lot of work to raise one child. Two parents to one child is a pretty do-able ratio. I hardly ever feel overwhelmed with parenting duties - especially now that she's older and more independent. When I need a break, I leave her at home with dad for an hour or two and come back refreshed and ready to go. It's easy to run errands with one child. We can be spontaneous and I never feel tied to the house. I'm always able to manage her behavior because she has my full attention. I can send her to a fancy montessori school because we can afford tuition for one child. We'll be able to travel and do fantastic mother-daughter things as she gets older.

Yet despite the seemingly good qualities of the above-mentioned "benefits" to only children, the fact remains that I didn't choose to have an only. It never occurred to me that I would EVER have just one child. Of course, if I would have known, I still would have chosen one child over no children. But at least I would have been prepared. I would have gone in with the understanding that one was all I got, and I wouldn't have any expectation of more. Kind of like the people in China must feel. Some Chinese women probably yearn for more babies, but they understand the law and know going in that one is all they get. They have time to process and accept this fact.

I think that's it, actually. That's what causes a lot of the fear and the guilt. The simple fact that this was not my reality of choice. I don't like it. I want it changed. And I can't. AND, I didn't have the option to prepare for it ahead of time. I'm having to process, prepare for, and hopefully one day accept this reality AFTER trying and failing to change it for the last 4 years.

And once again, after a full day of saving and coming back to it, I cannot seem to finish this post...