On the baby front...

I haven't posted much lately about the initial cause for starting this blog - my attempt to have a second child. This must mean that I actually have other thoughts rolling around in my brain once in a while. I can honestly say this did not occur for about the first 3 years of my journey to Become a Family of Four. Every spare minute my brain was not working, parenting or otherwise occupied with some sort of distraction, I was 100% focused on TTC #2. I was thinking about my current cycle, planning my next cycle, analyzing past cycles, gearing myself up for baby-making sex, diagnosing myself online, reading about others' struggles, going to the doctor, injecting medication into my stomach, going to the doctor some more, researching adoption and donor eggs and surrogacy and IVF and, and, and......

I'm not sure at what point my brain began protesting, but I believe somewhere in 2008 it decided enough was enough. I simply could not continue to expend this amount of cerebral energy on baby #2. I was working so hard at controlling things, and all I had to show for it were 3 miscarriages, thousands of dollars in medical bills and 3 years of my life gone. Not to mention the child I do have and love with all my heart was growing up before my very eyes, and I didn't want to miss it.

This was not a conscious decision, mind you. I did not wake up one morning and say to my infertile self "This is the morning you will STOP obsessing about having another baby and start living your life in the present." Just like all grieving, it is a process. Not a linear one, either. I can still obsess with the best of 'em. It takes me about 1/10th of a second to get right back into that mindset. But I think I can honestly say that in general, I am no longer operating in full crisis mode. I have managed to allow some of my sadness to fade to the background just a tad. Does this mean I don't still yearn with all my being for a second child? Of course not! For me, it has meant mostly that I can ponder our options and talk about them with DH and others in a little more logical fashion and without as much sheer desperation.

SO, on that note, here's what I've been pondering and discussing with DH over the last several weeks:

Topic #1: The Status Check
Periodically, I initiate this conversation with DH in order for us to keep the lines of communication open in terms of our current feelings on the issue of adding to our family. The last time we had this conversation was exactly 3 months ago and you can read about it Here. It went essentially the same way this time around.

Topic #2: Fertility Treatments VS. Adoption
In my heart of hearts, I know I'm done with fertility treatments. I tried lots of them. None of them worked for me. My body does not like them. It's too stressful for me. But there are just so many options on the medical front, and everywhere I go online I read about something has worked for someone after all other options had failed. It's so tempted to go back there and hope that it will work out this time around. It certainly has for other women - why not me? I didn't even get to egg retreival last time, maybe with a different protocol it would work for me....

NOT.

Again, in my heart of hearts, I know it won't. But damn, it sure is hard to give up hope.

So then there's adoption.

I've decided to take action on the adoption front. Not that we're signing up with an agency tomorrow or anything like that - but I'm at least going to get off the couch and take some steps forward. This is big for me and DH. We both have some pretty big fears about adoption that will need to be thought through and figured out before we really plunge in. And gathering information is always a good way for me to try to reduce my fears. So here's the plan:

Next Thursday we are meeting with an adoption social worker referred to me by my fertility clinic. She specializes in domestic adoption and embryo adoption (aka frozen embryo donation). The 2 hour consult costs $200 - so I hope it's worth it! I'm particularly interested in learning more about her protocol regarding embryo adoption. I think this is a route I could get serious about, but everything I've read online makes it sound like most of the agencies who facilitate these kinds of "adoptions" are Christian-based, Pro Life kinds of establishments. That's gonna be a bit of a problem for me.

I've also been in contact with my local child welfare organization to learn more about foster-to-adopt options. I received a bunch of materials in the mail, and now I need to schedule an appt to meet with the social worker in person. If we go this route, the first order of business will be to take a 10 week parent training course called PS-MAPP. The next time that is being offered in Lawrence is in January.

That's all so far, but that's a lot for me. I can't quite put my finger on why I'm moving so slowly with all the adoption options -- I could have adopted a whole herd kids by now if I would have been more proactive -- but I feel compelled to take it slow and really think things through.

I'm anxious for our meeting next week already!