October is always a bittersweet month for me. It's been my favorite month of the year since I was a little girl. The Earth smells so good in October. Everything is crisp and fresh and I get to have fires in the fireplace and out at our land. Starbucks starts selling Pumpkin Spice Lattes. The world is good.
October is also the month that my mom died -- of pancreatic cancer, on October 31, 2002. Seven years ago.
Most recently, October is also the anniversary month of my third miscarriage. In fact, almost exactly one year ago today I got that first positive HPT after actually missing a period for the first time in all 4 of my previous pregnancies. I guess I didn't technically have my d&c until November 3 - but October 2008 was a whirlwind of blood tests, sonograms, elation and despair.
It's been a YEAR already?!?!
I guess I wouldn't technically meet the definition of infertile quite yet -- since AF didn't arrive until January and we avoided for the first couple of months after that as I dealt with some post-surgery spotting. But let's be realistic folks, DH and I have been actively TTC since March. Not "active" in the sense that I've had a formal conversation with DH about trying to make a baby. Not "active" in the sense that I've dusted off my basal thermometer and started sticking fingers up my girl parts to determine my cervical fluid. Not "active" as in I've purchased bulk OPKs and HPTs from earlypregnancytests.com.
See, when a person has been at this for as long as I, and many of my fellow bloggers, have been - there is generally no need for any of the above-mentioned tactics. You just know when you need to have sex, and you either do it or you don't do it. We're doing it.
I needed to acknowledge that. I've been feeling kind of sneaky about it -- not talking about it with DH, not talking about it here. Almost like if I didn't acknowledge it, I wouldn't have to feel sad when it didn't happen month after month. Hahaha -- right?! Of course it's sad! After 4 years, yes, I still get depressed. Every. Month. It's not the near-fatal blow it used to be, but it still stings.
So yeah -- October.
5 comments:
((hug))
Just don't even know what to say... it has been one of those days where the infertility stuff has totally blown. I'm with you. I'm sorry October is sucking right now.
October is hard for me as well because of lost babies. ((hug))
Boo to october.
I'm the same, only it's December.
Big, HUGE ((HUGS)) for you!
Wish you lived closer, I'd love to chat with you over a Starbucks latte.
Hugs!
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