Tensions running high

Ok - so IVF is getting close, and I can tell on so many levels. The most obvious is my own personal level of anxiety. The second obvious is the amount of bickering Steve and I are doing.

Today at lunch we got into it about the procedure. Steve casually mentions that he's going to Tacoma, WA for a conference in mid-September. At first I said ok, not thinking much about it. Then all of a sudden the lightbulb goes off...."Wait, you can't go!" I blurt out. I started telling him about the IVF timeline and how we really can't plan any trips in September. He says, "So, you're telling me I just can't go anywhere for two weeks?" YES - THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU!!!! This is the one of the most important things we will do as a couple - not to mention the cost - so YES, that is what I'm saying. He gets all pissy and tells me he doesn't like my attitude. Then, under his breath, he says "I'll be so glad when this is all over." Well, that did it. I lost it. I'm still fuming and we're still not speaking.

I hate that he has such a negative attitude about IVF. I know he's frustrated to death with how our lives have been taking over by this - hey, me too - but I really wish he felt differently about the procedure. In fact, I really don't want to even do it if that's really how he feels. I feel like he's just going thru the motions so that he can say we did everything we could do to have another baby - but he has absolutely no trust it's going to work.

I know he's scared. I am too. It's a huge deal. I just wish we could be united about it - a team. At today we definitely are not.

On a more positive note, in a few hours I'm going to meet Heidi, one of my buddy group members who is in KC for a conference. YAY!!