thoughts on gratitude.

So, I left work early and decided to give myself permission to grieve, since today is seemingly turning into that kind of day.

I spent some time writing a letter to Jenna that I've been wanting to write for awhile now. Since my mom died two years before her birth, I wasn't able to benefit from the encouraging and soothing words of wisdom that only a mother can provide for her daughter as she becomes a mother herself. And while I fully expect to be around to witness my own daughter's transformation to motherhood, I am also acutely aware that things happen, even to the best of people. So I've wanted to write down some of my own thoughts about motherhood for Jenna - so that no matter what, she has those to read.

That was very healing.

And it also brought up a lot of sadness and grief about my own mother. So, after writing that letter, I sat down and read through (for the first time) a book that my dad put together for my sister and I right after my mom died. It is mostly a compilation of diary entries that she did on a great website called Caring Bridge, and also the messages that people left for her on this site. I read through every page, and I cried and I cried and I cried. It felt wonderful!

As I was reading her logs, I was amazed at the way that, despite being diagnosed at 54 with a fatal disease that held very limited treatment options, she was able to express such gratitude for the outpouring of support she was receiving. She started every post by thanking the various people that had either visited her, sent her cards or in other ways showed their support. I'm sure she did this not only as a reminder to herself of the many people who cared and loved her, but also so that her support network felt acknowledged. She was just so self-less that way. Always wanting other people to feel as though they mattered.

And then I had this deep recognition that I am soooooo NOT doing that. And I should. Because I too, have a very wide support network of people that love and care about me. And though I am not dying and do not have a fatal disease, I am hurting very much. And people do care. And I should acknowledge that and be grateful for them.

So, in that spirit, I wish to give thanks to the many people who have supported my journey to have another baby. First and foremost, my family. Steve has never complained once about the many times he has had to get up early to head to the clinic to leave a "sample". My Dad and his new wife, who graciously and without blinking an eye, offered to pay for my IVF cycle. And my sister, whose wise optimism always reminds me of what's truly important. I also am so blessed to have the absolute best in-laws there ever was - including two sisters in-law who have both experienced miscarriages and trials similar to my own. How thankful I am for Terese, Dee, Carolyn, Jim, Marilyn and Jim.

Then there's my online community. I have so many online friends, most of whom I've never met in person, who've shared this journey with me over the years. I am so thankful and grateful for their continued support and (in some instances) our shared journeys: Melissa, Mary Ann, Devan, Jessica, Heidi, Andi, Judy, Kate - just to name a few. I know some of you still check in on my blog, and I want you to know it does not go un-noticed. Thank You.

Then there's my best friends in real life -- Amanda, Cheryl, Shannon - who have cried with me, drank wine with me, and allowed me to spend way more time that was necessary talking about this fertility crap. And my work crew who allowed me to miss many hours of work to travel to the doctor and who will continue to support me 100%.

And of course, my dear, precious daughter. My daughter who feels my pain and can always tell when I'm feeling down. My daughter, who reminds me that I *am* a mother.

Thank You. Thank You.