It's Late

or should I say Early.

I've been awake since 2am, and it's now 4:18am. About 30 minutes ago I started having severe cramping that got so bad I was afraid I was going to have to wake Steve up and go to the ER. So I got up, went to the bathroom (still spotting) and sat on the couch for a few minutes. It did go away after 10 minutes or so. But it was still scary.

It is starting to slowly come into my consciousness that perhaps my body is just not up to the task of more children. Not all women, or any animal for that matter, is capable of reproduction. Sure, the vast majority are, but as I've mentioned before, statistics don't mean much to me anymore. For example, I just read that Recurrent Pregnancy Loss - defined as 3 or more miscarriages in a row - occurs in 1-2% of the population. Combine that with Infertility (10% of women) and incomplete D&C (less than 1%) and I'm a medical marvel. I should star in my own reality show.

So - what to do about this unfortunate truth...

Do I keep trying and hope for a miracle but risk continued losses and subsequent devastation? Certainly other women have done this with a positive outcome.

Should I get my tubes tied or undergo some other form of semi-permanent birth control in an effort to close the reproductive door once and for all? Yes, I realize this is drastic, and no, I'm probably not going to do it. But it is an option.

Should I adopt? Steve is not 100% down with this option.

Should I undergo testing to try to determine a cause? This would probably include a laparoscopy and extensive blood work. Seems reasonable to me, but really what would be the purpose and the result? (My intuition tells me that my various post-Jenna uterine surgeries (C-section, D&C, hysteroscopy) have somehow damaged my endometrium, causing implantation issues. Either than or I have crappy eggs. In either case, I'm not sure what could be done to solve the problem, as there is conflicting evidence about the success of surgically removing scar tissue - and we all know there's not a damn thing to be done about crappy eggs except to use a donor.)

I don't like any of the options. But here I sit, needing to make some choices.

But even I, in my semi-catatonic state, know that no important decisions should be made at 4:42am. It does help a bit to write about them, though.