Thoughts on infertility

I am enjoying our first fire of the season. I love fires. So does DH. We have a tiny little fireplace that we use all the time in the winter. The wood is ash and oak from our land, and it's pretty wet - but still, it's a fire!

I was doing a little editing to my blog, and found myself getting stuck on the word infertility. Am I really infertile? Some indications point to no. Firstly, I've had 5 pregnancies in my reproductive lifetime. Secondly, I have had one successful pregnancy and do have one living child. Thirdly, in all my years of TTC, the only time period where the clinical definition of infertility was actually met (trying unsuccessfully to conceive after one full year or trying) was during fertility treatments, which is sadly humorous to me (and also confirms my notion that my body flatly refuses to be "handled" in any way, shape or form).

However, I can relate all too well to the term and to those who suffer from it. Am I infertile? Or just sub-fertile? Or perhaps reproductively challenged? Or maybe unlucky? Whatever the term, I am a person who wants more children and is biologically unable to have them, despite her best efforts and attempts otherwise.

Obviously, in light of recent events, I'm starting to identify more with the "recurrent pregnancy loss" category. I remember when just the thought of a BFP would give me goose bumps -- when pregnancy was the goal, rather than the actual baby. I can say that my views have changed slightly. I have seen those 2 pink lines enough times now to be pretty jaded, and to know that they certainly do not guarantee a baby. At least, not for me.

I also gave some thought to changing the title of my blog. Am I still trying to become a family of four? Right now at this moment, I would have to honestly say that I don't know. Now, if I could see a clear path to that goal, I'd start down it immediately. But the road is foggy, and I can't see my way. I know eventually things will seem more clear, but I have to accept that right now, they are nowhere close. So, for the moment, the title will stay - mostly because I can't think of another one as good :)