Seriously. I think I may be losing it for good.
I'm very worried about the pregnancy symptoms that seem to have resurfaced this week. I feel nauseous. My boobs are hurting again. My spotting continues. And last night, I feel asleep at 7:30pm in the middle of a documentary that DH really wanted me to watch.
I was in a pretty bad mood this morning and when DH asked me why, I casually mentioned that I was worried about retained tissue. Well, he lost it. Not AT me, per se, but at the situation that we continue to find ourselves in over and over again. With pregnancy and the various side items that go with it dominating our lives for months, years at a time. He yelled at a lot, culminating with "I want a vasectomy. I'm done with this sh*t!" Then he stormed out and drove to work.
OY.
I know he's not angry with me. I know this was probably weeks of pent-up anger and sadness coming out all at once. I know he doesn't mean the vasectomy comment. But -- he DOES mean it when he says that he is sick and tired of this dominating our lives. We have got to do something about it. Not that I'm worried about our marriage in the sense that he would leave me - because I know he never would - but we are both pretty miserable and having a hard time getting past this.
Then, there's the physical symptoms I'm having. Honestly, I'm starting to feel like it must be me. Maybe I'm imagining things. How could this POSSIBLE happen to one person again. Retained tissue is rare enough one time - but TWICE??? I have a follow-up appt next Wednesday anyway, but DH thinks I should go in today. Problem is, I'm babysitting all day, so I don't think I could get in unless I went in late this afternoon. And -- part of me is worried that my midwife is going to start to think I'm NUTS.
sigh....
One day I promise my blogs with be about more....
6 comments:
Are you getting lines on hpts?
I think I understand where your husband is coming from. Gals feel that way too, after many losses, wanting a hysterectomy or something just to make it STOP. There may also be a feeling of guilt and a desire to hurt or punish one's self, too, that would lead to wanting a surgical procedure rather than a temporary birth control. I'm so sorry your family is going through this. You are the sweetest people on Earth and you don't deserve this. :*(
((hugs)) M! I'm with MA on checking a test. Also check your temp, are you running a temp, even low grade? If so I would think possibly infection? Otherwise, it could be some depression cropping up too. All of these are very real problems and need to be address ASAP. Your midwife has no right to think you are nuts, this crap HAS been happening to you! Hang in there hun, I know you are tired and hurting and it seems like it will never end, but I must believe that the sun will come out again. Thinking of you.
-J
Ugh. You guys have really been through the ringer. I'm thinking of you and Steve. ((hugs))
I check out your blog, but have never posted before. I swear we are leading parallel lives. I have one boy who is almost 4 years old. Since I had him I had two miscarriages (both with D&C's) and then unable to get pg again. Then two years later out of the blue, pg again only to have a horrible incomplete mc that ended up with me in the hospital with 3 blood transfusions (while on vacation in FL of course). I swear a couple of weeks later DH screamed at me that he was getting a vasectomy too. Here I am six months later and DH is over it, but I am trying to reach a point of acceptance where I can be happy and just thankful for my little boy and happy and not wanting more. So anyway -- I can really understand what you are going through. I know it is really hard. If you ever want to talk or vent e-mail me at boothannie@yahoo.com and I have facebook too. I think we have a lot in common (and I really know noone else in my situation). Take care.
I'm sorry for all the mental stress you're having to deal with on top of the physical issues.((hugs)) I'd vote to go in...better to be thought of as a bit nutty than to prolong a physical problem if there is one.
Just checking in. I'm worried about you!
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