The Future Hole

I have been ridiculously stuck in The Future Hole.

My daily meditation guide Sue Patton Thoele tells me that the future hole is one the quickest ways to disturb peace of mind. She says that future hole self-talk statements often begin with "What if...", "I couldn't handle it if...", "I'm afraid that...." and spin off from there.

Here's what is stirring in my Future Hole of late:

What if... FSA (the CA clinic I'm using for embryo donation) is screwing me around and my name is never going to be at the top of the list and there will never be embryos for me?

I made my requisite "every two weeks" check-in call today and was told that apparently in 2 weeks I went down on the list. I've been bumped from the top for reasons I am not quite clear about, despite trying for a good 2 minutes on the phone to clarify with the nurse. I already feel like a complete stalker by calling every 2 weeks to ask about my status - even though those are the instructions I was given - I hated to interrogate the nurse for fear she'll demote me more!

I couldn't handle it if... another year goes by without any movement, any decisions made, any feelings dealt with regarding our family expansion plans. It will be too much to take. Too much time wasted. Too much inaction.

'Nuff said.

I'm afraid... that I am going into premature menopause.

I decided on a Femara break this cycle, so just went au natural. I'm now on Day 28 with no ovulation in sight, much less a period, which was due about 6 days ago. My breasts are killing me, I feel anxious and irritable, and I'm debating about whether to ride it out or call the doctor and ask ANY DRUG SHE HAS ON HAND to make things right. And no, I'm definitely no pregnant. Is this the beginning of the end?



I've had 2 glasses of wine....this post might be somewhat disjointed.