The big bad news

I've been avoiding this post for 3-4 days now - it's just too depressing. But, I might as well get it over with as it's not going to change reality to write about it (oh, how I wish it could...)

I had my second follie scan on Friday and it wasn't good. After 3 days of 200iu Follistim and 75iu Menopur, I still only had 2 lousy follies. Indeed, they were growing in size - I believe i had a 14mm on my left and an 11mm on my right - but 2 is nowhere near enough for egg retrieval.

The doctor called me personally that afternoon to tell me what I already knew - he was cancelling my cycle. I immediately said frantically, "IT'S THE LUPRON!!!", and he agreed that I was oversuppressed. Since I had been on 1/3 the dosage of the same drug before for 3 months and responded beautifully, obviously something went awry this cycle, and the Lupron and BCPs are the only variables. He said, and I quote, "I have no doubt I can get your ovaries to respond better than this!" He said things were still moving forward and he would suggest converting to IUI this cycle since I'd already taken 8 days of drugs. S and I talked it over and we decided I'd continue with the shots until the trigger, but just try on our own like normal people and save the $250 and the embarrassment of the in-office collection for S.

Until today -- I went back in for my last scan and things are still looking shitty for IVF and I'm still cancelled, BUT, things looked pretty good for an inject/IUI cycle. I have one big follie on each side - both almost 18mm - and my E2 was 560. He wants me to do one more night of shots and trigger tomorrow night for a Thursday IUI. I still have to talk S into it.....but I have the typical renewed sense of hope that I always get after seeing the doctor. It's such a tricky thing - that darn hope.

Even though it's completely different and I'm well aware of that, and am in no why implying that my infertility is the same as cancer -- I am reminded a bit of the way my mom's treatment went. Every doctor she went to had another potential treatment protocol to try. There was always "one more thing" they could do. Nobody ever said to her, "I'm sorry Mrs. Santelli, but you are not a good candidate for treatment." I wonder if Dr. G would say that to me, or if he would just continue to offer me this "one other thing" until I ran out of money, or hope. I guess at this point, I really do believe that he is optimistic I will respond on the antagonist protocol (i.e. no Lupron). But I'm going to ask him point blank if he thinks I'm a lost cause when we have our follow-up consult on the 20th.

There is this little voice in my head saying that this would be just typical of my life -- get cancelled on an IVF cycle only to get pregnant on an IUI. Nothing is easy. Nothing makes sense. There are never any answers. Only the continued hope that one day, my body will remember what it used to be able to do, and I will experience the miracle of life once again.