A New Reality

It's 5:20am and after an hour of tossing and turning, I decided to get up and write. My body feel tense and I am sad.

My period started during the night, thus marking the official end of my IVF cycle that never was, and the end of Treatment Phase #2. To pour salt in my very open wound, I had been awaken out of a dream I was having in which I was nursing someone else's baby. The feeling of nursing and of milk squirting out of my nipples was so real, that when I woke up I literally had to squeeze my breasts to make sure I hadn't actually started to lactate during the night. What a cruel joke...

Steve and I have decided to stop the medical treatments for now, and possibly forever. Originally we were both pretty set on trying another round of IVF, since the first one hardly even got started before getting cancelled. But as it got closer, I realized that I felt very little hope that it would actually work. It was almost like i was just going thru the motions for lack of anything better to do. It had become total desperation treatment, void of any optimism. And I decided I that was unacceptable. Well, that, coupled with the notion that emotionally, I don't know if I could handle another failed treatment cycle, made for a pretty compelling argument to cut our losses and get on with living our current life.

Since making this decision almost a week ago, my brain is constantly shifting from one very depressed train of thought to another fairly positive one. Here's what they look like:

Train of thought #1: There is something very wrong with my body. Something has happened to it as a result of the 3 surgeries I have had over the past 3 years. It's something that is not perceptible by modern western medicine, but obviously it is there. Maybe it's my thin lining. Maybe it's scar tissue or other adhesions. Maybe my eggs are going bad. Whatever it is, I am never going to have another baby of my own. My reproductive life was short, and I'm going to always yearn for what I can't have.

Train of thought #2: My body does not like medical treatment and it is rebelling against it. We've had 2 pregnancies without any treatment at all and 0 pregnancies with 5 cycles of major interventions. Our odds are better trying on our own. There is really nothing wrong with me - no doctor has found anything to explain my infertility. My short luteal phases and my thin lining are just a part of me, a natural part of my individual and unique cycle and should not be looked at as problematic. It's all in my head. Steve and i together are reproductively healthy and we will have more babies together - when the time is right.

Sometimes, another train of thought creeps into my head, but I haven't found a way to really accept this one yet, so I typically push it out and replace it with one of the above. It goes something like this:

Train of thought #3: Jenna is going to be an only child and I should and will learn to accept that. Our family is complete and I should be grateful for what I do have.

Obviously, I am having some trouble dealing.

I decided I needed some counseling, so I called someone my acupuncturist recommended and have an appointment in early October - the first she could get me in. I also called and talked to my acupuncturist over the phone. She thinks I am making a very good decision and urged me to give myself plenty of time to grieve and let my body heal from all the trauma it's been through over the past 10 months or so. She recommended someone in KC who does Maya abdominal massage if I wanted to do some bodywork at some point. I looked at his website and it does look really great, but I'm going to hold off for now. Even though it's non-medical, making that appointment would psychologically get me all fired up again and I *really* need to focus on taking a real TTC break and bring some perspective back into my life.

It is not going to be easy. I am 30 years old and I have a 3 years old who goes to a huge pre-school. I am constantly barraged by pregnancy, new babies, and women in their reproductive years. I am going to need tools and strength to continue on without getting stuck in my feelings of sadness, loss and failure. I know in my head, that just like anything else, it will probably get easier and less acute, but I really don't WANT it to get easier. That, to me, feels like I'm giving up on the dream. And that is just too damn sad for me to admit. I'm not a quitter, and I don't accept defeat very easily, especially when I feel I have some control over the situation. And --- this is the really crazy part --- apparently I do still feel like I have some control. ?????

So - I've made a vow to stop visiting all my mommy boards, blogs and FF websites where the focus is TTC. This is going to be very hard for me - as it has been a part of my life now for 4 years. In fact, I was doing some math in my head before i got out of bed a little while ago. We started trying to conceive in April 2003 - which is exactly 53 months ago. In that 53 months, I have spent 9 months pregnant, 11 months enjoying my baby, 4 months dealing with an incomplete miscarriage, and the rest -- 29 months -- trying to get pregnant. That's a lot of time. 2 years and 5 months to be exact. 2 and a half years I've devoted to charting, temping, ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, obsessively-timed intercourse, cervical mucus, progresterone suppositories, fertility shots, abdominal surgeries, vaginal ultrasounds, blood tests and hours and hours of drive time to Olathe. No wonder I'm feeling a wee bit spent.

I will also probably not be blogging much. I may, from time to time, use it to cope when I'm feeling particularly down. And perhaps I might come back to it again if we travel down the treatment road again in the future. Or perhaps it will turn into an adoption blog. Who knows? For now, I'm going to have to be okay with the uncertainty.

I Gots Da Sunday Blahs

I sat down just now to write about how my day has sucked. But, before I could even start typing, I realized that this entire blog is essentially negative. Pretty much every post is a downer. Good thing I don't have very many readers...

Nevertheless, on to my crappy day. It started about 6:30am this morning when I woke up out of a dream. In my dream, I had gone thru IVF with one of my high school friends -- my high school friends are a constant in my dreamlife -- and had ended up with sextuplets. I was trying to decide about selective reduction when I woke up. In my dream, I was so relieved to be pregnant, even with six. If that's not desperation than I don't know what is.

***If any of my few TTC readers are sensitive to kid issues, skip this next paragraph***

Jenna woke up around 8am and thus began the routine that has dominated my life as a mother for really the last 3 years, but espeically so in the last couple of months. It's the "Mommy and Jenna" show. From the moment Jenna wakes up until she goes to bed, it's all about me all the time. She follows me around from room to room All. Day. Long. She cannot play by herself, it always has to be with me. Not only is Steve invisible, but sometimes she'll even holler out hateful things like "No, Daddy, I don't want to play with you!" or "Mommy and me are playing right now - Go Away!" The only way I get a little time to myself is if I turn the TV on or she plays computer - both of which seriously push my mom-guilt button, so it's kind of a wash as to whether or not it's very helpful anyway. The only time she'll play with Steve is if I leave the house. So today, I drove around for a little while before ending up wandering aimlessly around in Borders for an hour.

I just feel blah. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm watching the world go by and not really living in it. Days and weeks and months go by and nothing changes. I'm in the dreaded Waiting Place. And I'm not just visiting - I've become a permanent resident. My only ticket out seems to be that 4-letter word that it just out of my reach. What if it's always going to be out of my reach? Then what? How do I get out? There's got to be other ways.....I just can't see them right now. I do hope they come into view when and if I need them.

Sometimes I wonder if I should consider taking an SSRI. I don't really feel "depressed" per se - but I sure do have a lot of symptoms. *Lack of interest in things I used to like doing. *Isolation from friends and family. *Disturbed sleep (well, for me anyway). *Feelings of hopelessness. *Obsessive thought. I was on Celexa about 7 years ago and it really did help quite a bit. Perhaps I should consider trying it again. Just for kicks, I better find out if it's safe to take while TTC (HA HA HA).

The daughter calls.....

Ovulation day

I am most certain that I ovulated today. Killer ovary pain, accompanied by some pretty good mucus over the past 3 days. I wish I could get excited about that. But alas, ovulation has never been my problem. I always ovulate. Several times, including this month, I've probably ovulated multiple eggs. One would think that this fact, accompanied with S's superior sperm, would result in at least one more friggin' baby.

So, along with ovulating, I have also spent at least 3 hours of my day off on the computer pouring over infertility blogs. It's very addictive. For many people, obviously, seeing as there are hundreds of them out there. I also read the entire SIRM website from cover to cover and have now decided that my next protocol should be estrogen priming plus Viagra for lining issues. I can't wait to see Dr. G's face when I tell him that next week at our consult....HA! Additionally, I've now planted the seed of travelling to St. Louis to cycle at some point. Boy you can really get sucked into this stuff!

Note to self: Next Thursday, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Rapid cycling bipolar - I mean IVF - emotions

Ok, so in the 2.5 hours that have passed since my last post the following things have occured that have sent me spiraling back down into my very comfortable and familiar depths of infertility gloom and doom:

1. S *really* doesn't want to do the IUI. He says his intuition is that it's not going to work, and he thinks we should buy Jenna a new bed (which she desperately needs) with the $250 we'll save by not doing it. Reluctantly, I agreed. Of course, I could guilt trip him into it if I really wanted to, but who wants to do that?? Not even me, at this dark hour, wants to contend with a guilt-tripped spouse for the next 3 days.

2. My last set of injections was the worst yet in terms of pain. For the 2nd night in a row, I stuck a blood vessel - which hurts like Hell and bleeds like crazy. And I think the Lupron gave me a blood blister. My abdomen is super pretty right now.

3. I wasted an entire 900iu Follistim for the last measly 100iu of my injection for tonight. I considered just bagging it after the first cartridge ran out after 100iu - but of course, I couldn't do that (inserting eye-rolling smilie here).

In an attempt to leave on a positive note for the night:

1. We can buy Jenna a new bed and I can get the cute Company Kids bedding I've been eyeing for 6 months now.

2. I don't have to have my cervix pried open and a catheter shoved up my cooter in a sterile doctor's office.

3. I can have sex with my husband like a normal human being - with the same hopes of conception as the rest of the world.

The big bad news

I've been avoiding this post for 3-4 days now - it's just too depressing. But, I might as well get it over with as it's not going to change reality to write about it (oh, how I wish it could...)

I had my second follie scan on Friday and it wasn't good. After 3 days of 200iu Follistim and 75iu Menopur, I still only had 2 lousy follies. Indeed, they were growing in size - I believe i had a 14mm on my left and an 11mm on my right - but 2 is nowhere near enough for egg retrieval.

The doctor called me personally that afternoon to tell me what I already knew - he was cancelling my cycle. I immediately said frantically, "IT'S THE LUPRON!!!", and he agreed that I was oversuppressed. Since I had been on 1/3 the dosage of the same drug before for 3 months and responded beautifully, obviously something went awry this cycle, and the Lupron and BCPs are the only variables. He said, and I quote, "I have no doubt I can get your ovaries to respond better than this!" He said things were still moving forward and he would suggest converting to IUI this cycle since I'd already taken 8 days of drugs. S and I talked it over and we decided I'd continue with the shots until the trigger, but just try on our own like normal people and save the $250 and the embarrassment of the in-office collection for S.

Until today -- I went back in for my last scan and things are still looking shitty for IVF and I'm still cancelled, BUT, things looked pretty good for an inject/IUI cycle. I have one big follie on each side - both almost 18mm - and my E2 was 560. He wants me to do one more night of shots and trigger tomorrow night for a Thursday IUI. I still have to talk S into it.....but I have the typical renewed sense of hope that I always get after seeing the doctor. It's such a tricky thing - that darn hope.

Even though it's completely different and I'm well aware of that, and am in no why implying that my infertility is the same as cancer -- I am reminded a bit of the way my mom's treatment went. Every doctor she went to had another potential treatment protocol to try. There was always "one more thing" they could do. Nobody ever said to her, "I'm sorry Mrs. Santelli, but you are not a good candidate for treatment." I wonder if Dr. G would say that to me, or if he would just continue to offer me this "one other thing" until I ran out of money, or hope. I guess at this point, I really do believe that he is optimistic I will respond on the antagonist protocol (i.e. no Lupron). But I'm going to ask him point blank if he thinks I'm a lost cause when we have our follow-up consult on the 20th.

There is this little voice in my head saying that this would be just typical of my life -- get cancelled on an IVF cycle only to get pregnant on an IUI. Nothing is easy. Nothing makes sense. There are never any answers. Only the continued hope that one day, my body will remember what it used to be able to do, and I will experience the miracle of life once again.

Oh how the time drags waiting for ultrasounds...

Less than 48 hours until my next shot at seeing if anything is going on inside my ovaries - but the time can't move any slower.

I waffle between being sure this cycle is a bust and feeling like I should keep the hope alive that my ovaries will kick into gear. I should be listening to my Anji CD like crazy, but of course, it's times like these when it's hard to do what you need to do.

I have been reading a lot online about Lupron oversupression and other protocols that women try afterward. It seems to be a fairly common occurence and some doctors feel that women don't need BCPs or Lupron at all. (which is what my intuition was telling me all along, but I tried to reassure myself that doctor knows best).

The good news (well, possible good news) is that Steve thinks we should definitely try again if we get cancelled on Friday. I was a little afraid he'd want to throw in the towel. And the other good news is that we've already paid for the retrieval and transfer costs, so it won't cost us that much more to try again with another protocol. That is, if Dr. G will allow that.

There I go, getting ahead of myself again. I need to just be in the present, today, Wednesday, and focus on today. This is so hard.

Disappointing start

...so the first ultrasound was nothing short of a complete disappointment. There is literally nothing going on down there. Jane saw no change at all on my right ovary (translation: no follies) and only a couple small ones on my left. My E2 was up a whopping 4 points from my baseline. This sucks.

I'm trying not to panic, as Jane reiterated that many women start off slow. But this was unexpected since I had such a good response to the low dose drugs before. My only explanation (in my non-doctor brain) is that the Lupron is not a good option for me. But who knows - maybe when I go back on Friday things will have changed.....

:(

Let the stims begin!!

Had my baseline u/s and lab today. My ovaries looked quiet and my estrogen was 29, which means I am sufficiently suppressed. I'll start my stims tomorrow night and go back on Tuesday for the first check.

Now let's all say a little prayer that my ovaries will wake up as expected and produce lots of good little eggs!!

Meanwhile, the in-laws are descending upon us tomorrow for the big birthday party on Saturday. Lots to do....

Almost done with suppression

As I knew it would, the time has flown by. I took my last birth control pill on Saturday morning and I'm on day 6 of Lupron and doxycycline. So far, no real side effects from the Lupron, although I have noticed a headache today, but that could be anything. 3 more days until my baseline sono on Thursday and then I should start stims the following day.

On a more important note, today is Jenna's 3rd birthday. Steve stayed home this morning and we cooked a birthday breakfast and opened some presents. Then I took Jenna to Walmart to spend the birthday money she got from great grandma. She bought a baby set, which includes a baby carrier and a pack-n-play (which she calls the "pen"), and a Thomas laptop. She has been so excited about her birthday - she definitely "gets it" this year. I think she also understands that today is her "real" birthday and Saturday is her birthday party.

On another important family note, my dad is no longer a single widower. He is a newly married man. His wedding was Saturday and it was quite the spectacular event. He and Lu seem very happy indeed, and I am happy for him. I know my mom wanted this, and I know she would approve of his choice for a second wife.

Just to follow-up on my last post, I finished SATC Season 4 while Jenna napped today. I forgot how great the season finale episode is - just amazing. I think it might be my favorite episode. How can you not love Big?!? I might have to watch it again tonight when Jenna takes a bath....... :)

All Systems Go!

Had our injection review class and consent signing appointment this morning. It is starting to feel like we are actually doing this! The injections aren't really overwhelming, since I've done the Follistim before. The Progesterone-In-oil needles are big, but that is Steve's job so I'm not going to even think about it!

Thanks to an online friend, I've already got most of my stim meds, so I only had to order the Lupron, Ovidrel and progesterone. My wonderful dad is sending a check in the mail to us this week. I am so grateful for his offer to fund this for us. It would not be happening without it, that's for sure!

I really like Jane, the IVF nurse. She is so reassuring and comforting.

I've been having some side effects from the birth control. I never noticed these before when I took them last November before my surgery, or the 8 years I took them before TTC. I've been spotting a bit, my boobs are killing me, and I feel like I'm eating a ton. I'll be glad when I'm done with them. I'm starting the Lupron right before my dad's wedding, so I hope it doesn't make me crazy.........

In my other life, work is slow right now. I'm only working 2 days a week so that is really nice.

OH - and I ordered an Anji medication CD that I downloaded to my IPod. I plan to listen to it every night once I start my stims.

16 days till Lupron

Day 2 of bcps -

16 days until Lupron starts -

25 or so days until stims start -

37 or so days until egg retrieval -

This is my life.

Baseline visit

Today I had my baseline u/s and labs for the start of my IVF prep cycle. Everything looked good on the u/s - just the usual small follies and thin endometrium. My FSH was 5.2 and E2 was 68. That is the lowest FSH I've had ever, I think. And it's the highest my E2 has been. The nurse said it was fine for now. I start my birth control pills on Sunday and take exactly 21 days of them. My schedule looks something like this:

8/2 - baseline visit
8/5 - start bcps and baby aspirin
8/22 - start Lupron and doxycyline
8/25 - last day of bcp
8/30 - suppression check
8/31 - start stims
9/11 or so - ER!

Getting really close now -- starting to feel real, too, as I told all of my co-workers yesterday at our staff meeting. There are only 7 of them, so it's not that big a deal - but still. Seemed to make it "official."

On a non-fertility related topic, I saw 3 old high school friends today. Such fun!

IVF prep begins...

As of about 2 hours ago, I've officially starting along the IVF path. I had my mandatory saline sonogram and mock embryo transfer with Dr. G this morning at 10:45am. I was pretty nervous driving down there, remembering my first saline sonogram experience almost one year ago with Dr. Estrin. It was the most painful procedure I've ever had. Truly AWFUL. In fact, it was after that procedure that I decided to switch to the specialist. Not only did she do a botch job getting the catheter in, her exact words while looking around in my uterus was "well, it does look a little irregular - but I don't think it's anything to worry about." Yeah, right. Maybe SHE won't worry about it, but it's not her fucking uterus!! I was worrying myself sick about it - and after that comment, I took myself and my irregular uterus and walked right out the door.

And I am glad I did! My saline sono this morning was a completely different experience. Hardly any pain at all and everything looked normal - HOORAY! The mock transfer went fine, too. I have complete faith in Dr. G and am confident he knows exactly what he's doing. Soooo refreshing.....

So - one procedure down. Now I get to wait around for my next cycle to start before calling the clinic and starting suppression. I'm pretty worried about taking bcps because I'm afraid of over-suppression, but I'm trying to remind myself that Dr. G knows what he's doing and he really did recommend this protocol for my body. I've already responded well to low dosages of the drugs, so there is no reason to believe I won't continue to respond well.

I'm feeling pretty positive today. I think this is going to work!!