I sat down just now to write about how my day has sucked. But, before I could even start typing, I realized that this entire blog is essentially negative. Pretty much every post is a downer. Good thing I don't have very many readers...
Nevertheless, on to my crappy day. It started about 6:30am this morning when I woke up out of a dream. In my dream, I had gone thru IVF with one of my high school friends -- my high school friends are a constant in my dreamlife -- and had ended up with sextuplets. I was trying to decide about selective reduction when I woke up. In my dream, I was so relieved to be pregnant, even with six. If that's not desperation than I don't know what is.
***If any of my few TTC readers are sensitive to kid issues, skip this next paragraph***
Jenna woke up around 8am and thus began the routine that has dominated my life as a mother for really the last 3 years, but espeically so in the last couple of months. It's the "Mommy and Jenna" show. From the moment Jenna wakes up until she goes to bed, it's all about me all the time. She follows me around from room to room All. Day. Long. She cannot play by herself, it always has to be with me. Not only is Steve invisible, but sometimes she'll even holler out hateful things like "No, Daddy, I don't want to play with you!" or "Mommy and me are playing right now - Go Away!" The only way I get a little time to myself is if I turn the TV on or she plays computer - both of which seriously push my mom-guilt button, so it's kind of a wash as to whether or not it's very helpful anyway. The only time she'll play with Steve is if I leave the house. So today, I drove around for a little while before ending up wandering aimlessly around in Borders for an hour.
I just feel blah. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm watching the world go by and not really living in it. Days and weeks and months go by and nothing changes. I'm in the dreaded Waiting Place. And I'm not just visiting - I've become a permanent resident. My only ticket out seems to be that 4-letter word that it just out of my reach. What if it's always going to be out of my reach? Then what? How do I get out? There's got to be other ways.....I just can't see them right now. I do hope they come into view when and if I need them.
Sometimes I wonder if I should consider taking an SSRI. I don't really feel "depressed" per se - but I sure do have a lot of symptoms. *Lack of interest in things I used to like doing. *Isolation from friends and family. *Disturbed sleep (well, for me anyway). *Feelings of hopelessness. *Obsessive thought. I was on Celexa about 7 years ago and it really did help quite a bit. Perhaps I should consider trying it again. Just for kicks, I better find out if it's safe to take while TTC (HA HA HA).
The daughter calls.....
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